picture perfect?

" Draw that yell out a little longer & keep your fist clenched like you want to hit me.  I'm just going to go grab my camera."  Said no mom ever.  I was feeling a little fake tonight about posting only adorable pictures of my adorable boys on instagram & facebook.  Any look at a pic and one would think they frolic through snow & are always near one another with loving & sweet smiles.  They could surmise that we spend time outdoors enjoying the beauty that abounds or that we whittle the days away at our local coffee shops.

But, of course we all know that social media only allows for a glimpse of real life.  It is almost impossible to share your life it it's entirety the good, the bad & the ugly.  There literally has never been one time during a tantrum or throw-down, by either of my boys, that I have paused & thought that I should document the moment.  Typically I would be A. ignoring them seeing if they could realize it is a "small" problem to be called a baby by your brother & that they could work it out amongst themselves.  B. Sending up a quick prayer & counting to 10 so that I don't also throw a tantrum or C. Referring, negotiating and/or playing the part of a judge.  (Also known as parenting.)

The moments that I do long to capture are when they are being sweet or having a lot of fun or enjoying a new experience.  Those moments are not always the norm.  They are fleeting & precious & I want to cherish them & have them be in our memories.  The other moments are not so sweet & happen fairly regularly so remembering them is not the problem.  The problem for me is that sometimes they cloud my memory causing me to have amnesia abut the great times.  Maybe it's just me, but do you ever have an awesome day with your kids & then the last few hours are less than awesome & then said less-than-awesome tries to take off with your earlier awesomeness & you are left feeling like the entire day was a total fail & you are full to the brim (or is it rim) with & coulda, woulda, shouldas? The tears & the tones of the end of the day try to tarnish the triumphs of earlier?

Hence why I think that often, we as moms, do take & share the tender & cute pics of our kids.  Not because we are trying to outdo someone else, not because we are superficial & only want to put our best faces out in cyberspace, but because we want to freeze that moment in time.  To treasure the look & surroundings of the moment so that we remember it isn't always hard or loud or whiny or messy.  Sometimes it is actually really great & enjoyable & we see the character of our kiddos & see that their hearts are growing & learning & we want to hold on to that.  We know the discouragement will creep in either prancing or pouncing on us eager to take away the glimpses of goodness we see in our kiddos.  We know that it is a tug-of-war to remember the good midst the not-so-good at the days end.  It can be a struggle to hold on to the awesome moments of our days, but those moments are ours for keeps.  We get to choose whether we give them up or hold them tight.  It is a good reminder for me the next time I wonder why someone always post's picture "perfect" shots of their family.  I get it.  They are holding on to the what is rightfully theirs & I am going to try to be thankful they are choosing to share a bit of their awesomeness with the rest of us.

being known.

I am still reeling from the outpouring of love our family received the other day.  It brought me to my knees quite literally.  Weeping with snot all over my face.  I don't know who coined the term "ugly cry" but I am pretty sure that was what they were referring too.  It is like when you are so overcome with emotion you are crying & your nose is running all while you are maintaining something that resembles a smile. Not.Pretty.  But a real & raw response to the love that knocks you over.  The kind that can only be the hand of God working through others.  If you've ever experienced it for yourself you know what I am referring to & if not you can hope that one day you do.

My family has been living in lean financial times for what seems like forever.  Although I have vague memories of buying clothes I never wore & eating out all of the time so I know it couldn't have actually been for.ev.er.  But 2009 was a long time ago & so much has transpired since then.  Jobs have been lost.  Houses have been lost.  Babies have been born. Bills have been juggled.  Moves have been made.  And that is just in our little family of four so you can imagine why it feels like it has been a lifetime ago.

As weary as it has been & although some days it may feel like it will always be as this we have experienced things that I can only imagine few do.  We have been provided for in such ways that certainly it comes from heaven above because no earthly math works that way.   We have had so many anonymous gifts that it is stunning to me to know that so many people act out of the prompts on their hearts to do something for others.  It is so encouraging & inspiring to hold everything we have with an open palm, because I, who always thought I was a fairly generous person, never knew generosity until this season.  I almost think it must take being on the humbling end of receiving to know what it truly means to give.

A tiny part of the above mentioned outpouring of love I believe is due to the fact that I  gave myself permission to admit that it was hard that it was always hard.  That the hours were short, the clothes were spent, the shoes were warn & the hearts were heavy.  Maybe it is just me, but although I love being real just as much as the next person, sometimes I find myself hesitating sharing what is going on because I fear that I will come across as a "complainer" or because of my pride.  I want to hide behind my "grateful heart is a happy heart" t-shirt & keep on keeping on, because I am living the hard I certainly don't want to hear myself talking about it or think about it anymore than necessary.  But can we just get over ourselves for a minute & realize that part of sharing about what is going on with us actually has nothing to do with us?  It is about the others. The people in our lives who love us & care for us & want to know us.  Don't we want to be known?  Don't people crave that acceptance to be known & valued by their people so much that they do all kind of crazy things to accomplish it when all that it really may take is by opening up & letting others see who we are & what we are going through?  The good, the bad & the ugly.  We weren't meant to live such individualistic lives behind locked doors & closed blinds.  We were meant to live in the open, on the porches, in community.  When we are behind the closed blinds who knows when we have a need & who is there to rejoice & celebrate with us when that time comes?  Is there anything better than sharing some fantastic news with someone & having them be as equally as excited about it for you as you are about it?  If we don't allow ourselves to share what could be a possibility then when that possibility  becomes a reality who is rejoicing along side you?!

I think sharing about what is truly going on with us good or bad is something we all get amnesia about (or maybe it's just me & this whole thing just got really awkward).  It is so easy to get caught up in the busyness of life & give the rote answer that everything is "good" when someone asks.  We go through life coasting from one event or errand to the next without considering what the person in the car over is going through.  We forget that everyone has a story whether in their family, marriage, job or otherwise.  I find myself doing this with my own boys at times.  I know they are right there in front of me, but I don't always actually see them.  What a difference it would make if we were all to slow down just enough to start seeing those around us.  To consider the question before firing off the answer. To pause long enough to hear the answer after we have posed the question.  I think it does take courage to let others in.  It does take some bravery to remove the mask & share an honest truth.  But the thing it we aren't alone.  Everyone is going through something.  Everyone is having a struggle no matter what it may appear on their instagram or facebook accounts.  We can choose what we put out for people to see or hear.  But if we hold back not only are they missing out, but most likely we are too.  This time of year as so many search for something significant might one of the greatest gifts you give be a bit of yourself?

.

potty.training.

Why is it even called potty training?  It should be called potty & poop on the floor week. Whatever you call it isn't not for the faint of heart.  Can you tell what we've been doing at our house the last few days?  Our youngest son turned 3 last month & up until this point we haven't tried potty training.  Like at all.  We knew early on that he did things only when he was good & ready to do them. This goes for crawling, rolling, walking, talking.  Seriously he didn't utter nary a word until we were at a well-check appointment & his pediatrician started mentioning speech therapy & how we should probably look in to it.  I kid you not he started to speak later that day.  I don't know if it is just because he works on his own time table or that he doesn't want to try something until he has mastered it, but we knew that if we tried to get out of diapers before he was ready to do it then we would be miserable.  And if you have potty trained before you know that you don't need to add anything else to the experience to make it more miserable.

Am I being too negative?  Nope.  Not unless  you enjoy setting a timer or asking a kiddo every 15 minutes if they need to go potty?  Like from the time their eyes pop open until their head hits the pillow again that night.  Do you get a thrill out of slipping in a puddle of pee that you forgot was still on the kitchen floor?  Do you enjoy running to the bathroom with a crying child in your outstretched arms who is soaking wet from the waist down socks included.  Perhaps you get a kick out of picking up pieces of poop that have fallen through your child's pant legs on to the living room floor?  Doesn't sound that fun to me yet I am choosing to live it, because that is what we do.  We help our kids learn how to move on to the next step in life even if that step is a slippery one.

And I know that he will eventually get it & that we will be done with diapers.  Hallelujah.   I know that it could be worse.  Really it could be. Our oldest son would just stop playing long enough to say "there is some poop over there by the train table that needs to be picked up, mom." Awesome.   I know that most kids don't want to go to the  bathroom in their very cool Jake the Pirate undies.  I know that nothing is fun about your mom all up in your face all day asking if you" want to squeeze some potty out of your penis."  And yes I said that.  No one ever tells you you are going to say stuff like that when you are in your birthing class.  It is like all modesty has left the building.  Seriously we currently have our potty seat set up in the kitchen because it is more central to where we spend the majority of our time in the house.  There it sits and there he sits reading his pile of books while I do the dishes or whatever else needs to be done.  Classy. Convenient.

This is an exciting time when every success gets applause & candy & there are stickers & it is so great.  Why would any kid in their right mind want to rush this process along?  He is smart.  He sees his brother goes to the bathroom day in & day out without any fanfare.  He realizes the accolades come to a stop at some point so why not take advantage of the candy before bedtime & the hanging out naked in the kitchen reading books phase?

I know that this is just one of the many phases of raising kiddos that the days are long, but the weeks are short.  I know that he will spend more time in life out of diapers then he ever did in them.  I also am pretty sure that he won't ever thank his father & I for the time & effort & cleaning products we put into potty training him.  I don't believe American Greetings makes that card.  So for now I am thankful that today's "training" is over, that we didn't have any accidents in public & that even though I sent him to church in a pink pull-up he still loves me.

words.

Oh, how I love words.  I always have.  I believe it started early for me as I had a brief run as a spelling bee competitor.  Yes, you read that right.  Competitor not champion.  My run ran out early at Trentwood Elementary.  I wish I remembered the word I misspelled that ended it all for me.  Now even I almost can't believe that I was in a few different spelling bees as I am the one when writing, typing, texting who calls across the house to my husband "How do you spell spectacular?"  I am so thankful to now have a grown-up phone ( I was one of the last people I knew without a smart phone until just the other day after loosing an hour of life at the Verizon mall kiosk) with spell check! I am pretty sure it is going to change my life.

I have also always loved putting words to paper.  I was the little kid who spent summers sending in poems & short stories to Highlights Magazine. I remember typing away at my sister's electric typewriter (which was her luxury purchase back in the 80's when my dad won the lottery & they gave each of us kids a small portion to do with what we wanted) I just loved hearing the whir of her typewriter start up & the loud tapping noise it would make as  you selected each letter.  I was so thrilled when she finally let me start using it a few years later.  Some of the shine was gone but that machine still (literally) hummed. I remember spending later summers working on my "Great American Novel".  Creative writing was always my favorite class in school & at one point after high school graduation I had a writing assignment with a golf magazine.  That is when I realized that unless it is something I am passionate about the words don't' come.  Alas, my writing career came to an early retirement.

Reading words has to be one of my favorite ways to interact with them.  I have devoured books every since the Sweet Valley High days (I can't be the only elementary school girl who LOVED those twins)  & have continued gobbling them right up to now when I read things like Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See & Dr. Seuss to  my tiny people.  Nothing thrilled me more when my eldest son started having the reading bug. He was so excited about getting his library card & having the ability to be able to select & check-out his very own books.  I am thinking that my younger son may not share our enthusiasm for all things written.  I was trying to motivate him with rewards for potty-training & even told him he could even get his very own library card if he would.just.go.on.the.potty.  Turns out for that 3-year-old the library card was not the way to his heart (shocking).  Looks like the way to his heart is paved by chocolate chips.  

The spoken word is a little more elusive to me.  It isn't that I have a lack of words to say (just ask my husband) it is more like words that come out of my mouth are sometimes shrouded in mystery. I don't always know where they have come from where they are headed.  Maybe it is just me, but sometimes I wish I could delete words that I have just said kind of like how you can delete your status update on Facebook.  If you are my friend on Facebook you are aware that I don't' have much of a filter.  I like to endearingly call it "keeping it real" but to be honest pretty much any emotion or thought that I have near a computer just pops out.  I am so incredibly thankful that the only social networking that was around when I was a teenager was my parents rotary phone, because that would have been a disaster to share a permanent record of my teenage drama with the world.  

I have been more sensitive to the words I speak as I am realizing that my boys are going to be able to remember everything from this point on.  No longer can we laugh & say good thing he won't remember, because they.will.  Everything.  Isn't that a frightening thought?  Situations & exchanges that I have with my boys are something that they may someday share with their friends, kids, co-workers!  I was remembering that with fresh awareness the other day when I was forcing my child to take a shower so we could wash his hair with tea-tree shampoo the second he walked in the door from school since I had just learned that his school was having a lice outbreak.  For this first time elementary student mom the very thought freaked.me.out.  So what does any freaked out mom do, but throw their kid in the shower before he had a chance to even take his backpack off (not really that would be a little much) frantically scrubbing the thought of lice away.  He didn't & doesn't have it, but hearing it was in the same county as his precious head was enough to set-me off.  As we were both crying in the bathroom I was struck with the thought He is never going to forget this moment.  Yikes.  I so wish I could remember that each time I was about to open my mouth & let a sigh, a frustration or a nag out.

Words have the ability to be so encouraging & uplifting.  A kind word from  someone can change the entire course of your day.  Just as quickly a damaging word can give your shoulders a slump & have your giddy-up loose it's giddy.  Thinking about the "power" of words is nothing new to people.  I know this.  But, for me I think the thought of being mindful before I open my mouth is.  I have the verse from James about being "slow to speak" on a post-it & that is something I really want to practice. I want to model that for my boys. I want to be able to not say "No!" right away without really even hearing what they are asking.  I also want to model how with some words it is okay for them to come quickly. Words like "I'm sorry & please forgive me."  Those are words that I want people in my house to be able to say with quickness & with ease.  It's the other 20, 000 words a day that I say that I think I would be wise to speak at a little more of a leisurely pace.  A friend & I have " a thing" (all good friends should have a thing) where we try & count to 10 after the other person has finished their thought so we don't run the risk of interrupting them because we both have such fabulous things to say that often our words end up tumbling over one another.  Wouldn't it be great if we all started waiting 10 seconds before speaking, replying or scolding.   What if we really thought about what we were saying & the impact we wanted our words to have?  What if we took that few seconds to think about whether we wanted our words to give life to the other person or if what we were intending to say would have the opposite effect.  What if we took those moments to wonder what we would want to hear in that same situation?  Maybe it's just me but that " 10-second delay" sounds like one that may be well worth the wait.

opportunity

"What are you doing with what He gave you?"  That is the post-it note I see first thing when I awaken each day.  That is what I see when I am looking in my closet to figure out what to wear for the day.  It is one of the last things I see before my head hits the pillow at the end of the day.  It is something that I am constantly seeing, but I  am wondering lately do I really read it?  Absorb it?  Reflect on it?  Live it?  I initially wrote it down when I was reading a book by Francis Chan & he was challenging his readers to make the most of what they have been given.  To truly live & embrace life as the fleeting gift it is.  "Making the most of every opportunity."  Ephesians 5:16.  

Why is it so easy for me to get amnesia about how precious each moment I am given is?  Why is it that I don't truly grasp that this day could be my last?  It is like I get glimpses of that truth & then it gets further & further away lost in the sea of dishes, laundry & to-do lists.  I don't think I am the only one who forgets this certainty.  If others, myself included, lived like this was true we would spend less time on our phones & Facebook & more time living with the people right in front of us.  We would not be so quick to become unglued when our kiddos do something mildly irritating & completely age appropriate.  We wouldn't get so frazzled when we were in line for gas at Costco & you see the truck with Canadian plates pull out 3 gas containers out of the back that also need fuel & you regret not changing lanes when you had the chance.  Because now this means like an additional 10 minutes. In your car. Doing.nothing.  Oh, the agony!

In all seriousness though why does it take a senseless tragedy or a diagnosis to make me hug my boys a little tighter?   When I hear of devastating things that happen often my first thought it to shout " Eek!  Why did I just spend an hour watching Parenthood  on Hulu instead of reading my Bible or making snack bags for the homeless?!  Why did I send my son off to school with a snarl rather than a snuggle?  I tend to over think my past actions & wonder what in the world am I doing with my life?  I am a mom.  That is where I am at.  I am not able to go off & serve in Africa right now. I am not able to leave my family every night to go & seek out people on the street who may not have had a kind word said to them in days.  But, it is no excuse that I am a mom.  I have countless opportunities that I am accosted with each day that could be abundant & meaningful & could have the potential to be life altering.

 When a day goes from ordinary to tragic in the blink of an eye how do we live the rest of our days without taking them for granted?  And is it possible to live in such a way when such a tragedy hasn't befallen you?  Do the people that #yolo have it all figured out?  Is there some additive that I can put in my morning cup of coffee that will remind me throughout the day that I can invite the glorious into the mundane & make each day count even if it is full of errands & poopy diapers?  Can I have a "bad" mommy moment & choose to seek forgiveness from my tiny people & move on into a better moment without carrying the guilt & regret along with me?

Life is so hard. So messy & so short.  It is also so beautiful & full & lovely.  Sometimes there seems no way for my finite mind to comprehend how the two can coexist.  How can I teach my  children to embrace each day when I myself don't know how to go about it. I don't have all the answers, but I know that this life isn't a dress-rehearsal.  I also know that each moment of each day we are presented with a choice.  It is up to us what we do with those choices.  I am thankful that even when the choices we've made previously were shroud in the cloak of amnesia that it is never too late to start anew & make the most of the next opportunity we've been given.

Lock down.

I have officially entered into lock down mode.  So sorry, but no I can not watch your kids. Sorry, but no I can not go out to coffee one night this week.  Haven't you heard?  Levi is about to start all day every day kindergarten and life as I know it is about to come to change.  Any normalcy that I can cling to I am a clinging to.  Life is shifting & will forever change & I don't have any way to prepare for it other than go into lock down mode.  May not be the healthiest way to deal with rapidly approaching change, but whateves it's how I roll.

I did the same thing when we were about to welcome our second son into our family.  The bonus of having a scheduled c-section is that you know when & where you are going to meet your kiddo for the first time so leading up to said time you are able to somewhat "prepare" or lock down depending on your preference.  I was able to hold on to the last bit of family of threesome as I could before we officially became a foursome.

Earlier in life I went in to lock down before we moved across the country. I visited my favorite restaurants, saw the peeps I saw on a regular basis.  Cherishing the every day.  The norm.  Not necessarily on a weepy good-bye tour, but soaking in the moments that made up my life.  Doesn't mean I still didn't have to pack boxes or talk with my realtor, but it did mean that those preparations we had to make to accommodate the change didn't get to steal any moments away from my time remaining in my current season.

The thing is later this week when every day all day begins everything is going to change.  Our weekends, our weeks, our days, our mornings & our nights.  Nap times for Lukie will be cut short to go to school, mornings will be rushed to go to school, bedtime will be earlier so we can go to school.  So instead of filling up these final days with grand adventures to say farewell & rather than have practice days of timing how quickly junior can get up & dressed & out the door with my stop watch I prefer to stay in pj's until 10, watch a movie & enjoy one another.  I don't want to commit to doing anything other than that.  Hence the lock down.

Lock down mode could also be seen as burying my head in the sand, not "preparing" enough, denial, or what have you, but whatever name you put to it let it be known that I am preparing for the change the only way I know how.  By savoring the norm, soaking in the every day & slowly saying good-bye to a season that I have cherished. One that has had it's fill of difficulties, arguments & negotiating,  But it has also had it's fill of throwing rocks into the ocean, meandering walks down the trail, getting to go to the library or park whenever it struck our fancy & lots & lots of laughter. Alas, lock down it is.  Committing this past season to memory & enjoying what bit of it we have left.

loss

I didn't even see it coming. It hit me like a freight train.  Not one lumbering around the bend, but one going full speed ahead & hitting head on.  I took my eldest to a jump-start day at his elementary school today.  It was a three hour day to get the kindergarten students, teachers & I assume maybe most of all the parents a little taste of what was to come once all day every day school actually starts in a couple of weeks.

My lil' guy was so excited as we walked up the street to the school.  He had been ready to go since he bounced out of bed earlier that morning.  I on the other hand experienced a few tears at the prospect.  They didnt' really take me by surprise & they were brief & proud of what a big little boy he is becoming.

Once we entered the school he started to show some apprehension.  We were greeted at the door right away by a friendly & very loud woman.  His answers to her questions were so quiet.  Oh no I began to think.  He doesn't want to be here. He is scared .  But he followed her to the check in spot & quietly took it all in.   The rooms, the various hallways, the other kiddos clinging on to their parents hands.  If you knew him you would not be surprised that he took it all in quietly.  That is how he rolls.  When he was tiny we would venture out to new playgrounds & I had would have to hold myself  back from pushing him forward to the toys.  He would prefer to soak it all in from the edge of the wood chips, thank you very much.  He did the same thing at the beach the first few times years.  Play in the lake?  No, thank you.  Holding his ground there on the edge of the sand where he  could still see the path back to where the car is parked was just fine & dandy for him.

We got him checked in & made our way into a room filling with some kiddos his size.  There were a few tables almost full & a couple of empty ones.  He chose to sit at an empty table.  He looked so tiny & so timid & so uncertain.  I explained to him how his brother & I were going to go & was he ready to have an awesome day & see us later?  "Not yet" came the quiet words.  Punch me in the gut & hold back the tears, because that is what it felt like when his answer made it's way to my ears & my heart.  So we looked at a book together for a moment until he spotted a friend he knew from preschool.  I saw his face light up & knew he would be fine.  He said bye with a quick glance  & that was it.  His brother & I came to the spot where we had parked the stroller & as he got situated in his seat w/his various transformers & decepticons (that is boy talk for toys) that had come along for the 2 block ride a teacher smiled at me.  And.I.Lost.It.  I said is it okay that I want to cry?  She gave me the sweetest, it looks like this is your first time doing this smile, & proceeded to tell me of her own gushing experience with her little guy.  I thanked her for her kindness & got out to the street & that was when the above mentioned train hit me.

I felt a sense of immediate & powerful loss.  I had not expected it nor did I really understand it at that point.  But, it was real & raw loss & I ached.  My boy.  My can-raise-my-blood-pressure-like-no-one- else-boy.  My first born who has morning breath like a dragon, but I don't care because that is the only time he wants to cuddle boy.  He was sitting in that building getting further & further behind me & that was where I knew he needed to be, but I couldn't see straight for how much it hurt to walk away from him.

The entire day I was an on & off again mess.  By that I mean that I cried all day long.  Later in the day he was talking about how awesome school was, how he wanted to stay forever & how he couldn't wait to go back.  That made me cry too.  Seriously?  I know that is the best case scenario.  I want him to like it.  Right away.  I don't want him to be sad or to miss me (doesn't look like that is going to be a problem), but it just tore me up inside to hear him going on & on about how great it was.  He has been my buddy & companion for the last almost 6 years.  We have done everything together.  He was almost 3 when his little brother was born so there was a lot of time spent in that three years of togetherness.  There are not very many memories I have in the last few years that he wasn't in.  And here he is now planning on making a lot of new memories.  Ones that I will not be in.  I know he is ready, I know he needs the challenge & I know that for our family having him in public school kindergarten is the right decision.

I didn't' anticipate the loss nor could I have prepared for it.  It is impossible to be totally prepared for something you have never experienced before. Just like have a baby.  Or having a second.  There is just no way to be totally prepared.  My husband was kind of at a loss to know what to do with me. He suggested I phone a  friend & talk it through with her.  He didn't want to risk me getting mad at him, because he couldn't identify what I was going through (smart man).  But, as I told him, just because it was unexpected & it feels so lousy right now doesn't mean it is wrong to feel this way.   I just need to sit on it for a few & then I know that I will move on from it & get excited to go grocery shopping with just one kiddo or only have to pay for one childcare at the gym or get to be closer buddies with my other fella.  But as far as today goes it is okay to be sad.  To hold on to it a bit before the new season we are in starts to bloom.