expectations.

Do you ever have one of those days when you come down on your kiddo all.day.long?  Maybe you are cranky or they are cranky so you are all out of sorts.  Maybe you get upset that he wasn't being kind? Which is it just me or do you ever say "Be.Kind!" In a not-so-kind gritted teeth sort of way?  My favorite was when my husband was working nights & sleeping days. I would yell at the kids all of the time to "Be Quiet Daddy is sleeping!".  Oops not anymore he isn't mama.

Whatever the reason the day just went with me be entirely too hard on my tiny person & it took me until the end of the day to realize it.  After he was asleep I peeked in his room to catch a glimpse of him & what I saw brought me to tears. He was sprawled out. The covers had been thrown off. His t-shirt was all twisted & his belly button was getting some air.  And at first glance it hit me.  I am too hard on him.  Dear Lord, why do I expect so much out of him?  He is so precious & I at times disregard or wave that preciousness away because he didn't do, act, or say what I wanted him to.  But, seeing him all sprawled out & at ease I saw the little guy he was.  He is a child. He is 5. He can't tie his shoes, nor is he that great of a nose blower (we are working on it), he needs his mama.  He needs my comfort, my grace, my love & my understanding.

Why is it that I expect so much from a 5-year-old?  Why do I think he should have all the answers, have the correct emotions at the correct time?  Why am I agitated when he asks me question after question after question?  Why am I surprised that he gets cranky when he is hungry or that he whines constantly sometimes?  Doesn't that just come with the territory of having a 5-year-old? I don't expect that I should have it all together all the time so why do I get upset or frustrated or disappointed when my child doesn't?

It is so boggling to me that at times I expect that my 5-year-old should act like a 10-year-old.  Why is that?  I don't expect that my accountant should know how to fix my clogged sink, nor do I expect my mail carrier to pick up the trash.  He is 5 & should be allowed to do & say & act in 5-year-old sorts of ways.  My kiddos is a work in progress.  Just like me. And he needs me to give him grace & room to make the mistakes. To repeat the process until he gets it down.  He needs to be allowed to get it wrong so that when he finally gets it right we will be able to celebrate!  He needs to start learning how to tie his shoes instead of me always doing it for him because it is faster.  Goodness someday I hope to report he has got that down, but the thing is I haven't even given him the opportunity to triumph with his shoes.  I don't want one more mundane task to tie me down.  I don't want to take the extra few minutes before we have to leave the house to allow him to not get it.

Who do I think I am?  What astounding thing do I have to rush off to that I don't "have" time to sit with my boy & teach him the bunny ears or are they loops?  What has gotten into me that a day spent answering questions to a mind that is craving all things knowledge is enough to shorten my fuse?  Why do I get amnesia about such things & constantly need to be re-calibrated to what is truly of great significance?

Whatever the reason I am just thankful that tomorrow I can begin anew.  That there will be plenty more "opportunities" to try again.  I am also thankful for velcro shoes.  You know.  Just in case.

"The mission of motherhood requires grit.  It requires perseverance.  And often that means years of repetitions and mundane tasks, years of repeating yourself, years of wondering whether anything you do or say makes a difference. It's no short term process."  Sally Clarkson.