What's Next

It took me by surprise.  I didn't even see it coming.  I was clicking away eager to be done with the insurance inquires & to enjoy my quiet since my four-year-old was napping for the first time in years.  (It was sacred time if you know what I mean).  As I clicked once more I only saw the "Congratulations & welcome to the Ethiopia program". I paid no attention the the 10+ attachments or the long letter that followed. I simply saw that & I sobbed.  Like instant puffy face sob.  On the floor but trying to be muffled since said four-year-old was napping kind of sob.  I didn't have anyone to share it with.  I was able to savor it.  To soak it in.  To exclaim.  To wonder.  To Praise.  I actually said "Shut-up!" to the computer before I fell to the floor in a puddle.  I really didn't' believe they would accept us.  Whether was an act of self-preservation for my heart or I just really believed that I was utterly taken aback by their decision to allow us to move forward.

Once I collected myself & called my husband I was able to look through the attachments & the letter.  The forms to come, the fees to pay, oh my. I still don't know how it will all get accomplished.  I still don't know how it will all work out.  I still don't know if she'll love us right away or not.  I wonder about her favorite color. I wonder about her parents, siblings, aunts & uncles.  I wonder if she'll be so mad that we took her away from her country & her sights & sounds & smells that were familiar to her.  I wonder if she always be sad & miss those she's lost or who lost her.  I wonder where I'll take her to get her hair done & if she'll mind that I'm not very girly.  Basically I'm all over the place.  These are things I've wondered for a bit but haven't allowed my heart to go there.  I am free now to hope a little & plan a bit.

I try to explain to my boys that this could take a while.  A long while.  I fret that maybe they don't' understand what we are about to embark on.  Then I have to wonder, do I?  I have to remind myself of course I don't!  We've never done this before.  Sure we started & stopped many times but to actually be at this point is a first for us.

So what comes next?  Lot of paperwork.  Like lots.  We are in what the agency refers to as the "paper-chase" phase.  That leaves little to the imagination.  Then the home study.  Which I can't even go there yet or I'll get worked up in a tizzy.  Right now it's just best if I only do the next thing as I was already thinking of how we needed to make sure no light bulbs were burnt out because obviously that is a sign of a neglectful parent, am I right?  Oh my poor husband.  What he is going to go through as that approaches.  His honey-do list will have a list.  We would love to have you along with us on this journey.  I may over-share (fair warning) but your questions are welcome & your encouragement & prayers are crucial.  So I am off to buy a ream of printer paper (& some light bulbs) , settle in with my signing pen & do the next thing.

Hopeful.

It was a night I just needed a word.  Like a thirsty person in search of a well.  Anyone?  All day my head & heart had been a flutter.  Flutter may be too sweet of a word.  Maybe more like being hit over & over with a battering ram.  We've been in the process of deciding whether after talking about it on & off since 2007 if we are finally ready to proceed with adoption. Obviously we're a little slow.  Too many years of fears & feelings of inadequacy have side-tracked us making it easy for us to talk ourselves out of this amazing possibility.  We now know that you don't have to be any sort of super-hero, green lantern or otherwise, to adopt.  Nor do you have to be made of money although that would make the fundraising a whole lot more doable. You just have to be willing.  Willing to jack up your so called "comfortable" life.  Willing to see what loving others really means for you.  Willing to take a leap.  To lean in & trust.  We just don't want to talk ourselves out of it this time.

So back to the thirst.  I was just up to here with not knowing if we were doing the right thing.  Would it be financially responsible?  Would I really be okay if adding another kiddo meant no vacation ever?  Would I be okay with consignment store threads & goodwill finds?   Even though we'd already submitted our preliminary application to the agency.  Even though we were poised & ready for the next step.  To apply for the Ethiopian program.  Hoping they would welcome us in with open arms.  Even though I was still going back & forth & second guessing & wondering & figuring the figures.  Thoughts again creeping in of "Who do we think we are?  Why us?"  were just enough for me to wish we had a bottle of wine in the house or at least wish my husband wasn't working nights  so that he could be here to wrangle our two sons because I'd.had.it.  But there was no wine & no husband so alas my fellas & I sat down to read their bedtime story out of the Jesus Storybook Bible.  Best kid's Bible of all time.  I have learned so much from this sweet book which constantly brings it back to Jesus page after page.  I whispered in the quiet of my soul, "Lord, Please"  My son chose the story of Jesus feeding the 5.000.


  "But they were wrong.  Jesus knew it didn't matter how much the little boy had.  God would make it enough, more than enough." 

"And Jesus knew the One who in the very beginning had made everything out of nothing at all.  How hard would something like this be for Someone like that?"

Really?  Really?

Do you not love the times when you know?  You just know that you know that it was meant for you.  It puts it all in perspective.  Who am I to fuss over whether or not this is a sound financial decision or not?  Will I just trust?  What is another kiddo to feed to Someone like that?  Sound naive?  Maybe.  To me it sounds like trusting & believing & trusting & believing some more until our daughter comes home.

So here we go.  We are going to be submitting our application to the Ethiopia program & hoping it is accepted.  We'd love your prayers.  We'd also love your kindness if we forget to show up somewhere or if we double book ourselves (sorry friends) or if you run into us & we are all wild-eyed from being up to our eyeballs in paperwork & my hair hasn't been properly de-frizzed.  If your one of our friends who's gone before us on this adoption journey we'd love to hear from you.  You advice & your what I'd wish I'd known when...  But most of all we just want to thank the Lord for this opportunity to build our family a little bigger in this unique & special way.  We are beyond humbled & we are hopeful.  So let the journey begin.