cooling down.

 I put my head in the freezer y'all.  For reals.  In part of my efforts to not yell at my kids I have read a lot of advice, tips, secrets that are supposed to help you refrain from letting the yell out or from having the urge to yell at all.  I knew I was in uncharted territory when I told a friend I thought I had an anger problem, because I couldn't stop yelling at my eldest. She suggested I count to 10.  I totally get that counting to 10 is a tried & true method that works for many.  But, for me my heart kind of sank a little, because I was so beyond the counting thing.  It just hadn't been a strong enough deterrent for me if you know what I mean.  So, I have been reading books, reading blogs, spending time on my knees, talking to people & searching for what works for me.  What helps me see situations from different perspectives & helps me to be mindful enough in the moment to not loose it.

As of late I have been doing really good with not yelling.  It had been weeks since I had began my challenge.  My voice has certainly gotten terse, but yell I have not.  That is until yesterday happened.

It was raining all day long.  We haven't had much social time, I was hungry & tired.  All triggers for me to get my yell on.  The fort was what set me over the edge.  I was trying to change the sheets on my boy's beds & I kept tripping over fort "materials" aka blankets & pillows & about 50,000 stuffed animals that always accompany the forts. As the forts are not merely a place to sit & chat in.  They are wild animal dens or pet shops or zoos.  Each built with mounds of "materials".  Thus I was failing at changing the sheets & since it is something I only do every once in awhile I just wanted to be done.with.it.

And.I.Lost.It.  "I am going to freak out if this fort doesn't get cleaned up right way!!" I yelled & then started tossing blankets, pillows, socks, animals, whatever was in my way...the tiny table & chairs I tripped on again asking my son to get them out of the way & back where they belong with my gritted teeth.  My sons complied looking at me like I always am a wild eyed froth mouth monster....only they went about it at the speed of let's say 0.  So sloooooooow which of course didn't help.  Which by the way I think it is safe to say that since I had to say I was going to freak out that I was probably already freaking out.

I ran out of the room because at this point I was swearing in my head.  Truly I was.  Back in the day I swore like  a sailor, but the last few years I haven't uttered any to my knowledge..but here was the f-bomb swirling around in my head.  Seriously nothing says you've come unglued like hearing  a voice cuss out a fort in your head.  During the meltdown (mine not the kids) I suddenly remembered a tip I had read & that was how I found myself with my head in the freezer.  Yup.  Tried it.  And, it honestly helped a little.  I don' know if it helped because there is something about the temperature that truly "cools" you down or because it is so totally ridiculous.  I can say that I was thankful that the husband wasn't home, because I am pretty sure that would have been a source of glee for him to happen upon.  I can also say if you ever find yourself with your head in the freezer that you quickly realize how badly said freezer needs to be cleaned out & then freezer time is done.

So after I had  a little snack, got over my guilt about swearing at the fort, and got a little perspective  I realized (shocker) it wasn't really about the fort, animals, sheets at all, but that I hadn't been taking care of myself that morning & news flash multiple cups of creamer with a little coffee splashed in them is not the way to get your calm on.    I apologized to my sons for the way I had acted & how I shouldn't have spoken or shouted that way & thanked them for cleaning up the fort. They proceeded to forgive me instantly.  Without  a thought or with out a little "yeah mom you were acting a little crazy what's up with that?"

I appreciated how they reacted. I think I could learn a lesson about forgiveness from their little hearts. They were able to forgive me for being the imperfect & messy gal I am with out keeping a record of my wrong & with kindness.  I think it is valuable for them to see me in my imperfect moments.  To know that I mess up.  I don't want the expectation around our home to be that you have to have it all together all of the time, because that is not how real life is.  Better yet I want to be able to forgive my boys when I see them having their imperfect  months moments with the swiftness & tenderness that they attributed to me.  One thing that no one ever told me was how much I would learn from these tiny people who live in my house eating all my food & getting all of the laundry dirty.  I never thought that watching them would somehow reflect back to me the me I am striving to be.