Monday, June 22, 2015

It was & then it wasn't

It's occurring to me that when you shout from the rooftops that your going to be adopting a girl from Ethiopia & then suddenly your not that you should probably: A. Have never shouted said news in the first place (always a problem for me) or B. Shout equally as loud when plans change.  Even if said plan change is heartbreaking, embarrassing or just plain confusing.  If we invite people into our lives to share the joy we should be willing to invite them in just as much for the mourning.  That I'm learning is easier said than done.  Good, joyful news rolls off my tongue with ease. But sudden painful news sometimes gets stuck.  The words don't form as easily.  My shouting is more of a hoarse whisper.  Anyone?

When my husband & I decided that postponing adoption until our two boys are older would be best for our family , after the initial raw grieving, I went into hiding mode.  Of course we told our families and those who'd offered to financially support our adoption, those who were already planning a fantastic fundraiser, those who had wanted to throw us showers & had given us items.  But, from the rest of the world I hid.  I deactivated my facebook account, I deleted any mention of Ethiopia from Instagram or this Blog (I'm putting my previous posts back on now because that is part of our story & just deleting a draft doesn't make it so.  Who knows how this will all weave together in the story of our family someday.)  I know it sounds so immature but I couldn't bear it.  Something we'd been talking about & praying about for eight years was finally happening.  The girl we imagined we'd be welcoming into our family was all I thought about.  We prayed for her, we talked about her, we planned for her even though we didn't yet have a name or a face she was here, you know?  A check had been written, documents had been signed.  This was happening. And then it wasn't.  The loss was almost unbearable at times.  The tears ran with a fluidity I didn't know possible.

The past few months have held a lot of healing.  There is still confusion as to why we'd be given this compelling, lasting feeling if for not such a time as this.  There is wonder if sometimes it's really just about being willing.  There is wonder if we let fear talk us out of what would have been an amazing opportunity to grow our family.  There is curiosity whether this is really postponed or whether it's not.

But the one thing I know is that in the last week alone three dear friends have asked me for updates on our adoption journey.  They didn't know.  Because I didn't say so.  Because I chose to stay silent rather than share the hurt and confusion that hit me with such ferocity I didn't see it coming & when it landed I didn't know what to do with it.I have sat at this computer numerous times to try & share our new news, but I had no words.  Even now my words seem insignificant, but I wanted to share where we were on our journey with dear friends near and far.  I wanted to thank you for praying for our family & for all the excitement you've shown for us.  Your support has meant the world to us & we apprecaite you sticking with us.

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