big kids

There comes a time in every mama's life when her children are no longer toddlers at her knees nor babes in her lap. They are moving, growing (sometimes smelly) kids. Getting-to-be-big-kids & then just big kids. You remember when you were the mom at the playground sucking in a breath every time a big kid played around your tiny tot. You would glance around, hoping & praying, that their parents were tracking on them so that a collision could be avoided. As they climbed up the slide & over the play equipment clearly too large & loud for what the playground was intended for. Now you realize you've become the parent with the "big kids" at the park. You are receiving the silent messages from mom's of littles that you once sent out. Bittersweet as it may be there is nothing to be done. Infants & toddlers grow into preschoolers who emerge into kids.

When you awake one day & find yourself here don't be alarmed. It happens. And I hear they get even bigger (and smellier.) As a mom of an eight-year-old boy I am still not sure what makes him tick. It seems like an ever-changing delicate balance of push & pull. He gives a little information & I try to get a little more without pulling too much. I learned recently of the boys & girls in his second grade class who have "girl friends" & "boy friends." I casually asked with my a pit in my stomach if he happened to have a "girl friend?" My relief was probably obvious at his quick dismissal of the idea. He's not ready for that he says. I then just as casually (read as just as crazily) let him know in as much of a non-lecturing voice as possible that there is absolutely no rush. That he has his entire life to have a "girl friend" and that for now how about he just stick to liking Lego's & mud-thank you very much. By that point he was itching to get away from his casual crazy mom so our conversation came to a close.

But it reminded me of the times I've been told to be interested in the little things they have to say. Whether you are hearing about the Lego castles they've built for the 345th time or listening as they exclaim in great detail about who their favorite Pokemon is & why. Things that quite honestly we could care less about & almost always, always, come as we are in a rush to fix dinner or have just sat down for a moment of peace & quiet to ourselves. Apparently the moms who've gone before us say that if you actually listen to these ramblings & prattle that when they grown into kids & then even bigger than kids they'll keep talking to you. The conversations will shift from their favorite Star Wars character to who they have a crush on. No longer will they be talking about how good that Bernstein Bears book is but they'll be figuring out with you what college courses they're interested in. As difficult as it may be during some of the more difficult conversations we have with them-some easier to keep our crazy in check then others-the point is we need to keep them talking. And if they aren't talking we need to figure out a way to get them talking. I don't think that just happens. I think we have to try to cultivate an atmosphere that lends itself to dialog. Whether that means as we work side-by-side or as we learn more about or get involved with an interest they may have, or even sitting through an insufferable episode of Phineas & Ferb (anyone?) then our hope can be that if they see we are interested then the sharing & connecting & trusting will continue on through the years as we figure out this being-a-big-kid thing together.

really?

The other day I said to my eldest, "Come on you & I are going for a walk."  You would have thought I had just suggested he maim himself in some way by the dramatic reaction he had.  Falling to the ground saying " A walk?!  A walk is the worst thing ever!"  Really?  Really?  If a walk is the worst thing my son had to deal with on that gorgeous December day then I'd say his life is pretty fantastic.

Fast forward to an hour later upon our return from said walk when he admits that it was actually pretty great.  Ha!  I thought with great satisfaction. You see!  If only you'd not be such a punk when something is put before you.  You know it typically is good for you & has your best interests at heart  So there.  Oh.  Crap.  Maybe it's just me but I am pretty sure I throw a mean fit to whenever Something catches me off guard or is out of my comfort zone. I may not be weeping & wailing (at least as far as you can tell) but I can stomp my foot with the best of them.

Isn't that the way we are?  We hear that still, small voice.  It asks us to initiate something with someone or to put ourselves out there.  But, we don't want to so we throw a tantrum in our own way by being busy or ignoring it until it is harder & harder to hear.  We throw ourselves into other projects or relationships without a backward glance.  We may be missing out on the very thing that is for our good & has our best interests at heart but not even know it.   Unless you all are much more mature then me & it's just me who does this.

Sometimes Most times what I hear myself say to my kids as I am parenting them is something that I myself need to hear.  Be Kind (as I say through gritted teeth)  Don't yell ( as I shout it down the hallway)  Be sure to share (as I check my creamer situation out carefully wondering if my husband "snuck" some.)

Encouraging my kids to be open to situations & what you can learn from them is no different.  That is something I need to be reminded of even as a middle-aged woman.  Yes, middle-age there is no sense in denying it any longer.  Baah!  Being middle-age is awesome!  There is so much freedom in it.  You wan't to wear your walking shoes with your jeans?  Do it!  Your feet will thank you.  You think to yourself, but that's a mom thing.  Newsflash you.are.a.mom.  No shame.   Same goes for mom jeans & mom cuts.  Which I don't  even know what a mom cut looks like or if that's even a real thing, but I recently heard a hair-dresser laugh saying no one had ever asked for a "mom cut" from her before.  Dude.  If you are a lady & you have kids & you have hair you have a mom-cut.  No way around it.

All that to say the next time my kiddo has an all-out-fit about something new or different I think I have to wonder if that is something he is learning from me.  Does he sense my foot being stomped every time there is something new afoot?  Does he notice that I drag my feet when a new opportunity is put before me?  Maybe.  Or maybe kids just come this way.  Either way it will do us all a lot of good to slow our responses & be encouraged that it may just turn out to be pretty great after-all.

Old yeller

We had one of those mornings up in here.  You know the ones where you make at least one of your kiddos cry, you cry, & then your late to school.  And being late to school is a real feat for us as we literally live just down the street.

Some mornings are just like that.  Your kid says they aren't having fun & why are you being so mean to them.  That makes you even more frustrated because all you did was nag them for the 40th time about getting dressed even though they have a chart and the whole point of the chart is to.not.have.to.nag.  Yet some days the chart doesn't cut it.  Your kiddo should be able to get dressed in a timely matter since this is what you do five-days-a-week.  Over & Over.  Yet some days it's like they've never even been in this situation before.  Get dressed?  What is this you speak of?  School?  Hmm...not sure what you're talking about.  For.The.Love.  It is enough to make this mama go cuckoo.  Or go out of recovery & let a yell out.

I have been on a journey to not yell as much at my kiddos for what seems like forever.  I know that can't be because typically you don't have much reason to yell at a newborn. Could you imagine?  "Stop sleeping so much!"  "WHY ARE YOU SO ADORABLE?!"  No the yelling for me came a bit later.  Once they began to reason & be defiant & be you know  thinking for themselves. That is when I lost it.  That is when I became a crazed mama who could loose it at the drop of a hat.  Or lego or army man.  Whatever.  I would loose it quick.  I would feel them not complying with me & feel the rage start creeping up. There wasn't typically anytime (or so it felt) to squelch it before it came spewing  out in a loud & angry volcanic rush.

I've prayed, I've cried, I've put my head in a freezer.  Because really who wants to be a yeller?  Especially at their kiddos who they love & longed for. Pretty sure not one mama ever played with her dollies thinking how she couldn't wait to grow up & have kids of her own so she could yell at them.  Yet it happens.  All the time.  Maybe not to all of us (lucky) but to a lot of us.  We try & yell in pillows, or count to 10, or walk away, or breath deeply. We lock ourselves in garages & bathrooms & closets.  Yet still we yell.  It isn't something we can will away.  It isn't something we can quick-fix.  We can call it our "outside voice" & yet a yell is a yell.  It isn't pretty & it is totally humbling.  It often ends in an ugly cry.

So even though this morning was a re-lapse into yelling for me I am not going to let that define me or even my day.  Even though my kiddo said through a tear streaked face " I thought you weren't going to yell anymore" I am done calling myself a yeller.  Being a yeller isn't who I am it is something I do. (Maybe. Sometimes.Not as often as i used to.)  Not every day here is going to be one the Walton's would be proud of nor is it going to be totally terrible.  We are aiming for mostly good.  And on the not-so-good days where it is glaringly obvious that mom messed up those are the days I squat down look at the tear stained face & ask for forgiveness.  Those are the days I admit to being a human & show my kids that when we mess up we own it and we ask for forgiveness & we try again.  We talked about just how he is learning to always be truthful I am leaning how to use my "inside voice."  I don't think its the worst thing for them to get a glimpse of our fragility & our struggles.  I think maybe, just maybe, it may take the pressure off of them a bit.  At least that is what I am hoping they glean from all of this.  Wouldn't it be a great thing for our kiddos to grow up & go into the world knowing how to extend grace & seek forgiveness from the people around them? To know that messing up isn't the same thing as failing-it's falling.  To know that when you fall you can always get back up.  You may not be able to do it on your own.  You may need a hand.  But you can get back up & try again.

cultivating the heart.

Last night at dinner the husband & I were enticing our 2 boys with some seriously delicious fresh (so much better than frozen...who knew?) from the garden broccoli & all of it's sure to make you a super hero qualities.  We called it trees, monster truck food & then went with the old stand by "you don't have a choice.  You HAVE to eat.it."  Thank goodness they are still wee ones who don't think past the threat opportunity since I hadn't thought through to the consequence of it myself.  Anyway the husband & I won they choked down the brocolli & we were all happy.

Lest you get the wrong impression of me I do not have the garden were that delicious brocooli was sown.  Nope.  I am more of an instant gratification gal with my yard work.  I like to mow & pull weeds.  There you see it there you don't.  I love the idea of having a garden & have planned many out even buying seeds a few times, but then reality settles in & the idea kind of fizzles when I consider how you have to actually culitvate it.  

Our veggies are currently coming from our neighbors CSA.  Truly.  I walk out my front door at a certain time one day of the week cross the street & return with a box full of goodness.  I am just that lazy concerned about supporting local agriculture.

It occurred to me recently that I had become very lazy with my parenting as well...forgetting that my little ones hearts, dreams, imaginations need to be cultivated as well.  And, as much as preschool teachers, Sunday school, and Jake the Pirate help out with that it actually falls more on my shoulders more specifically my heart.  

I realized that when my heart is not in check there is no way I can be cultivating a good heart in them.  I have been a yeller, a threatener, a punisher & let me tell you none of that has been working out to well.  So, I am in the process of trying to find a balance between discipline and relationship.  Trying not to yell which since Summer is upon us it is great motivation to keep my tone in check.  The windows are constantly open & who really wants their neighbors to hear them talk to their kiddos like that?!  It is really humbling & embarrassing at times to hear how I actually speak to them.  I would never speak that way to a friend or a stranger so why in the world to I speak that way to the precious ones that I longed for so much?   So it is a work in progress. Not searching for perfection, but the progress I'll take.

P.S. if yelling at your kids is something you would like to squelch I have found some great encouragement & tips at: The Orange Rhino

the beginning.

At the beginning of the year I had decided not to go the resolution route which I was sure to fail on within the first 30 days (not being a downer just speaking from personal experience) that instead I would focus on a word for the year.  A word to think about, talk about, pray about.  A word that would personify my year.  It would guide me & propel me in my decision making & planning.  The word I decided on after much deliberation was Pioneer.  It suited me as I was & still am in the midst of  a lot of transition & new seasons (hey, more on that later we just met after all) & I really liked the idea of putting myself out there spritually, physically, with loving others more genuinly & in my parenting.

Thus far my list of new or 1st time experiences is still on the short side, but hey it's only May June so I have plenty of time.  All this to say the other day I posted a status on my Facebook page something about feeding my boys kale is so good for them it trumps the times I yell at them or bypass sweeping the crumbs that live on my kitchen floor.  In the comments someone said:

"You should write a parenting blog.  I always love reading your posts!"

So here we are.  Madcap Mama starting a parenting blog with the only qualifications being um... I am a parent.  Not an A+ parent, but a fly by the seat of my pants, trying to figure this out while not yelling very much & making sure my boys eat their veggies.  This blog is uncharted territory for me therefore becoming #10 on my list.  Don't judge I was upfront with the fact my list was on the shorter side.  What do you expect when #1 on the list was played Bunco?!  I will say that things got a little more interesting by #6 when I had my first cross-fit workout.  I even peed my pants a little when doing burpees so I figure that must help with the wow factor.

Any who,  no idea how/if anyone will ever find this blog & read it, but I don't think pioneers always did what they did in order to make the way for others.  I think sometimes they just needed to see what was on the other side of that bluff, to carve out something new & to initiate it for their family & I am really hoping that my wagon makes it over the river without breaking a wheel.