Sunday, June 23, 2013

cooling down.

 I put my head in the freezer y'all.  For reals.  In part of my efforts to not yell at my kids I have read a lot of advice, tips, secrets that are supposed to help you refrain from letting the yell out or from having the urge to yell at all.  I knew I was in uncharted territory when I told a friend I thought I had an anger problem, because I couldn't stop yelling at my eldest. She suggested I count to 10.  I totally get that counting to 10 is a tried & true method that works for many.  But, for me my heart kind of sank a little, because I was so beyond the counting thing.  It just hadn't been a strong enough deterrent for me if you know what I mean.  So, I have been reading books, reading blogs, spending time on my knees, talking to people & searching for what works for me.  What helps me see situations from different perspectives & helps me to be mindful enough in the moment to not loose it.

As of late I have been doing really good with not yelling.  It had been weeks since I had began my challenge.  My voice has certainly gotten terse, but yell I have not.  That is until yesterday happened.

It was raining all day long.  We haven't had much social time, I was hungry & tired.  All triggers for me to get my yell on.  The fort was what set me over the edge.  I was trying to change the sheets on my boy's beds & I kept tripping over fort "materials" aka blankets & pillows & about 50,000 stuffed animals that always accompany the forts. As the forts are not merely a place to sit & chat in.  They are wild animal dens or pet shops or zoos.  Each built with mounds of "materials".  Thus I was failing at changing the sheets & since it is something I only do every once in awhile I just wanted to be

And.I.Lost.It.  "I am going to freak out if this fort doesn't get cleaned up right way!!" I yelled & then started tossing blankets, pillows, socks, animals, whatever was in my way...the tiny table & chairs I tripped on again asking my son to get them out of the way & back where they belong with my gritted teeth.  My sons complied looking at me like I always am a wild eyed froth mouth monster....only they went about it at the speed of let's say 0.  So sloooooooow which of course didn't help.  Which by the way I think it is safe to say that since I had to say I was going to freak out that I was probably already freaking out.

I ran out of the room because at this point I was swearing in my head.  Truly I was.  Back in the day I swore like  a sailor, but the last few years I haven't uttered any to my knowledge..but here was the f-bomb swirling around in my head.  Seriously nothing says you've come unglued like hearing  a voice cuss out a fort in your head.  During the meltdown (mine not the kids) I suddenly remembered a tip I had read & that was how I found myself with my head in the freezer.  Yup.  Tried it.  And, it honestly helped a little.  I don' know if it helped because there is something about the temperature that truly "cools" you down or because it is so totally ridiculous.  I can say that I was thankful that the husband wasn't home, because I am pretty sure that would have been a source of glee for him to happen upon.  I can also say if you ever find yourself with your head in the freezer that you quickly realize how badly said freezer needs to be cleaned out & then freezer time is done.

So after I had  a little snack, got over my guilt about swearing at the fort, and got a little perspective  I realized (shocker) it wasn't really about the fort, animals, sheets at all, but that I hadn't been taking care of myself that morning & news flash multiple cups of creamer with a little coffee splashed in them is not the way to get your calm on.    I apologized to my sons for the way I had acted & how I shouldn't have spoken or shouted that way & thanked them for cleaning up the fort. They proceeded to forgive me instantly.  Without  a thought or with out a little "yeah mom you were acting a little crazy what's up with that?"

I appreciated how they reacted. I think I could learn a lesson about forgiveness from their little hearts. They were able to forgive me for being the imperfect & messy gal I am with out keeping a record of my wrong & with kindness.  I think it is valuable for them to see me in my imperfect moments.  To know that I mess up.  I don't want the expectation around our home to be that you have to have it all together all of the time, because that is not how real life is.  Better yet I want to be able to forgive my boys when I see them having their imperfect  months moments with the swiftness & tenderness that they attributed to me.  One thing that no one ever told me was how much I would learn from these tiny people who live in my house eating all my food & getting all of the laundry dirty.  I never thought that watching them would somehow reflect back to me the me I am striving to be.


  1. Oh, my. This post had my eyes watering. I've just caught up on your posts so far and am sitting here feeling so blessed and inspired. You write about the human condition in such a truthful, honest, and humorous way. I am the someone who suggested you start a blog and am thrilled that you indeed have. Your posts ooze with love, family, and real life. I am not a mother, would love to be, unsure of how it might work or look or if it will even happen. My maternal curiosities and 'ache' have found a home here on your delightful blog. This last paragraph was just perfection. Thank you for sharing this incredibly important journey of yours with the world. I can't wait to continue following along. You go, Pioneer!

    1. Rachelle! You are the best cheer leader of all time! Thank you for your thoughtful & encouraging comment which brought me to tears.Thank you so much.