a little bit better.

Maybe it's just me, but sometimes I don't know how I am going to make it through the day & then I look at the clock & think to myself." Oh, crap. It is only 9am".  Then I repeat that same thought at 1pm & 3pm & it used to always be all dinner long when my husband worked nights, but he is home for dinners now (yay!) and having another adult around at meal times makes a WORLD of difference.

These thoughts of "how am I possibly going to make it through the day" are often preceded by whining (from the tiny people not myself) or complaining or arguing all things/attitudes which make it really hard to be mindful of the fact that I love these 2 kiddos to the moon & back & am on a sacred journey of shaping their hearts & characters.  All that & it is only 9am?!  No CEO even has to deal with that much before their second cup of coffee.

I also have these "how am I going to make it" thoughts when I am using la toilette & my eldest is banging on the door about how badly he has to go poo & could I please hurry up?  Need I remind you we only have the one bathroom & who really likes to be rushed at such a time?  Especially when as most moms know that is our only quiet time during the day (if we are lucky & by that I mean if we remembered to lock the bathroom door).

The other day I had a total meltdown & said "I am going to get rid of all of the movies!!!"  which immediately brought on reactions that would have made one think there were no more ice cream cones or puppies or teddy bears anywhere on the planet.    Now that wasn't the brightest moment for me as I would never get rid of the boy's movies which are my sanity all very educational.  Later I thought "what am I a 5 year old?"  My 5 year old always throws out random things when he is frustrated too.  If he is upset that he hasn't mastered the pedal bike he will say things such as "I am never going to look at another bike again" and I think we all know not only would that be impossible living as we do in the Pacific Northwest, but also it is spoken out of pure annoyance at not getting the end result he wanted.  He also likes to try this when he is upset with my husband or I. The other day he threw out " You are not my dad anymore.  You are my cousin!"  Which in all fairness kind of back fired since the kid has a passel of cousins & adores them all.

So me throwing out the bit about the movies was just one of those statements that I threw out due to my annoyance at his attitude & wasn't really mindful about the situation at.all.  Had I taken a moment to step back & really see the situation for what it was I may have noticed that he was needing a snack. That his brother was getting all up in his space & what we needed was a distraction...we didn't need some off handed threat that wasn't going to be carried out & that actually just made the emotions all around more intensified & drew the whole ordeal out even longer than any of us wanted.  Way longer.

After we all calmed down  & had a snack (is that a theme with just us or what?)  we talked a lot about how we as people are imperfect & how we don't have to say the right things every time or always do the right thing, but one thing we have to do as our family is to always try to do a little better.  To always try to be patient & kind with one another.  We even shook on it so that seems pretty official & I am guessing parenting will be a breeze from here on out.

The great thing about the "how will I make it through the day" days is that they often have little moments of delight peppered in there that help make it to the next hour or even day (like an impromptu dance party in the living room).  This day had some sweet moments of just playing in the back yard.  Enjoying the sunshine & breeze as is flitted about.  We even had some good book time before bed when he crawled up into my lap with his 5 year old longish legs & arms & we cuddled as we read The Lorax for the 66,000 time.  It is like a little affirmation that things are ever changing even if we can't see it in the hard moments.  He is learning.  I am learning. Our hearts are changing.  And thankfully we will always get another opportunity to try and do a little bit better the next time.