family of 4?

Maybe it's just me, but I seem to be able to trick my body into thinking I am pregnant.  All. The. Time.  Years ago before we had children while we were trying I was constantly buying tests, because my boobs were sore or I felt a little sick one morning...all of the tests came back negative time & time again.  I would do this thing that is probably a little crazy, but whatevs.  After staring at a negative test for what seemed like hours I would either sigh or cry & then throw it away in trash.  That is until I would sneak back it to pull it out of the trash for a little looksie because I must have either A. looked at the lines incorrectly or B.  hadn't allowed enough time for the test & threw it away prematurely.  I did that over & over as well, but never did find a test that had while sitting in a trash can suddenly reverted to a positive result.

Long story short we went into to do some testing after trying unsuccessfully for a year or so & decided that I would get "tested" first.  So, I had the blood work done, took my basal temperature every morning at 6 a.m. sharp & then found out that I didn't ovulate so they suggested fertility or adoption if we wanted to grow our family.

We took some time to grieve the fact that we wouldn't have our own babies.  It was especially hard for me as I thought for me that was just part of being a woman & a wife & next was supposed to come baby.  It was to be a rite of passage so to speak.  After taking some time we decided that fertility treatments were not for us.  We had 2 nephews who had been adopted & that seemed like a more comfortable route for us to explore.  We researched different agencies & made an appointment.

A few days before the appointment I went to the gym after work to watch my nieces at their gymnastic practice.  During that hour I could barely keep my eyes open & I remember lamenting to my sister-in-law how tired I was lately. She said "It's because you are pregnant."  I shook it off reminding her that was impossible & that I had been told that road needed a detour.  She was so certain ( but she does have 4 kids so maybe that is some of her super hero power's that come with child 3 & 4) so I agreed I would buy a pregnancy test since I had totally stopped keeping track of my period since there was no point in doing otherwise.

The next morning I proceeded to take 3 tests one right after another.  They were all positive.  All 3 tests said the same thing.  I was in total disbelief. I was laughing/crying pretty hysterically I might add it wasn't pretty.  But, what did my dog care since she was the only one around.  My husband was at work & rather than think of an amazing reveal I called him & left a shouting message on his phone (which he still has saved today 6 years later) that was barley decipherable.  But, he got the gist of it.  Life was going to change & it was going to happen in a way we didn't think had been possible.  I remember still laughing/crying/praying/ falling down/standing back up/ dancing around & then getting ready to go to my office job & sit at my desk as though nothing had happened. It was cool though I had been a junior high drama star so this was my time to shine.

So, we decided that adoption at that point wasn't something our family was supposed to pursue.  We ended up having a boy & then followed that up a few years later with our second son. It isn't until now that the idea of adoption is creeping back into my heart.  We had decided that we were done with having kids. We have had some L-E-A-N financial times the last few years & it seemed a little irresponsible to grow our family & we really did feel a sense of completeness.  I am even on an IUD for birth control in which like 1 in 1,000 women can get pregnant. We were done.  Finished.  Happy as a family of 4. We had given away all of our baby things.  So, it was funny the other day that after I asked my husband to pray about the possibility of adoption that I started to think I was pregnant.  My mind may have known the possibility was a slim one at best , but sure enough I became sooooooo tired my boobs were sore I was Positive that I had conceived against all odds again. But, there was a teeny tiny part of me that didn't want to tell my husband or anyone else for that matter. It wasn't that I wanted to savor the news or anything it was like a bit of me knew that this wasn't' going anywhere. 

So the other night I snuck out of the house after my sons & husband were asleep for the night.  I planned my great escape & felt very thrilled & frightened of getting caught at the same time.  I left a note in the kitchen in case they suddenly woke up in the night & were panicked in my absence. So, maybe 9:30 isn't really in the night, but it was going to start think about getting dark. Did I mention my neighbor was still mowing his lawn?  Must have been wearing a head lamp. The worse part was I had just realized earlier in the day that our tabs were expired (okay I didn't notice my 5 year old kindly pointed it out to me) & the new tabs had just been ordered online.  So, the sneaking off to Walgreen's suddenly got a little more thrilling.  I just hoped I wasn't going to get pulled over & then have to call & wake up my husband to explain why I needed him to come get me out of the pokey.  

Got home with the test.  Drank a ton of water, because I hadn't really thought that through & had gone before I left for my drive into the night, and took the test. It was negative.  I was sad. I couldn't believe how sad I was that it was negative.  I threw it out.  I went back in & dug it out just to double check it hadn't changed for old times sake.  It remained negative.  

And, even though I was sad about it I was also a little delighted, because my sadness was evidence to me that I do want more children.  But, I don't necessarily think I want to have them myself.  I think it may have been more confirmation to me that the longing to grow our family is there, but the means may be a different route again.    All's I know is that there are many older girls & boys from our county & others that are waiting.  And, it breaks my heart to think of them waiting for a home as they see all of the younger ones & babies go before them. Again & Again. So maybe our family is going to grow & maybe it isn't. I have peace either way, but I am excited to see how it all turns out.